You have laid on me, O Christ, a spell of longing

You have charmed me with an eros all divine

Consume, therefore, my sins with immaterial fire

Be pleased to fill me with your sweet delights

then I shall magnify your advent in the past

and the one we still await with joy

O Gracious God

Prayer of St. John Chrysostom

I have been reflecting on the question of “are you happy?”. I guess it is a goal we all have on a deeper level. Yet happiness is a feeling and feelings come and go. One moment we are happy the next we are sad. All part of life’s rich tapestry. Yet we are constantly told to live for the moment…to live for the now. What is it that we are seeking when we want to live the moment, live the “now?” Is it an internal peace, an internal contentment that we seek? Living fully in the present moment is a good thing to do…in fact it is the only thing we can do as we only have the present moment. But how do we live fully this present moment?

In his popular book Eckhart Tolle says, “As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease.” (The Power of Now) This fundamentally fails to recognise that what goes on outside is not always a reflection of what is happening on the inside of a person. This teaching reflects the self-proclaimed ‘non-dualism’ of much new age thinking. As in the teaching of the other popular new age classic, Rhonda Byrne’s ‘The Secret’, good thoughts and ‘energy’ are supposed to be able change the objective circumstances of one’s life. Christian example and teaching says that this is certainly not the case as with Jesus’ central teaching of, “take up your cross and follow me.” Whilst having a positive outlook on life is a good thing and can influence for the better the way we relate to others, it will often not objectively change for the better our outward circumstances. St Maximillian Kolbe was joyful on the inside but he used that joy to help others in an awful situation. Volunteering for the starvation chamber in Auschwitz so that a married prisoner might eventually return to his family, he sustained the others during their execution with rejoicing and the praising of God. Surviving to the last the Nazis had to kill him off by injecting him with carbolic acid. Kolbe’s outside definitely did not reflect the inside of his communion with God.

I am reminded of the 2004 film ‘Inside I’m Dancing.’ The fight of two disabled friends not to let their outward circumstances dictate how they are. They break out of the stifling atmosphere of a care home which appears to cater only for their outward needs. They attempt to live independent lives with all the practical and emotional hardship that brings. Many ‘nows’ are filled with angst, anger and frustration. But then many of their ‘nows’ are full of joy, laughter and fun. Their quest is to embrace the full spectrum of life’s moments and experiences, to be fully alive and not just existing.

Another quote from Eckhart Tolle tells us…“the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.” (The Power of Now) Again, here is some truth but not necessarily the truth. It depends on the form of your past and future. Our reflections on past and future are inevitable, it’s how you order them that can truly contribute to your peace in the now. If your past is looking through rose tinted glasses at a Golden Age of yore and your future an imagined circumstance you’d like to see yourself living in, then yes you are living with illusion. If , however, your past is honoured ‘worts and all’ as a process that got you to a better place and a future that hopes the ‘unseen’ hope of what God has promised you (Hebrews 11:1), then you are living the reality of past-present-future. The recognising and owning of past and future is key for living in the present moment. This, then, is a grounding in reality that truly can give you peace whatever the circumstances.

“The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.” (The Power of Now) Tolle seems to accept that moments of ‘having a crap time’ are moments that need to be surrendered to and not escaped from with illusions. But having an external ‘crap time’ may not substantially change with internal peace.Whilst there may be some good practical advice here in Tolle’s ‘miracle of surrender’, he seems to be encouraging you to become the watcher of your own thoughts and reactions, to be an actor in your own play. In a sense he is encouraging you to become your own god. There is no sense of surrender to a higher power.

Another problem with Tolle’s view is that it could encourage disengagement with what is going on around us in times of ‘now,’ or potential times of ‘now.’ It can promote an avoidance of difficult situations because they might upset my experience of a blissful ‘now’. It could be a running away from moral responsibility towards others because it might well upset my ‘now’.

Along with Maximillian Kolbe, another perfect example of someone living his peace for others in a terrible ‘now’, that I’m sure he wanted to escape from, is Desmond Doss (whose life was brought to public attention by the film Hacksaw Ridge.) Doss clung to his peace by going into battle refusing to carry any weapon because his Christian faith (Seventh Day Adventist) told him not to. Working for the medical corps he was honoured for having rescued between 50-100 wounded men from the field during the Battle of Okinawa in the Second World War. Maybe my theorem of ‘Not Right Now I’m Having a Crap Time’ comes into play here. The soldier when he is doing battle wants to escape from the present moment. It is the same with temptations to sin – a focus on the future, to a time when ‘this too shall pass’ can help deal with a particularly difficult present moment. Maybe the quality of our ‘Now’ is determined by how we can deal effectively with situations we want to escape from whilst maintaining our inner integrity.

Erik Varden, in his book ‘The Shattering of Loneliness : On Christian Remembrance,’ talks about the importance of Christian remembrance and that of the “backward gaze.”

‘…only by recalling what I was can I acknowledge what, by Grace, I have become…the smog of perceived entitlement obscures grateful retrospect…It easily happens in each of our lives. We claim rights where grace is at work and so are made ungracious. We inhale the chief intoxicant of spiritual life: self-righteous ingratitude.’ (Varden, The Shattering of Loneliness, p.42)

God is real and present in our remembrance, leading Varden to describe it in terms of a sacrament. ‘Having established the sacramentality of remembrance, it matters to look back on the shackles we have known, to descend into what St Bernard memorably calls “the sewers of remembrance.” The point is not to wallow there, but to re-live our ransom, to keep thanksgiving alive and, not least, to learn to whom we should address it.’ (Varden, The Shattering of Loneliness, p.44)

The memory verse, beloved of 12 step programmes, neatly sums it up as ‘There but for the Grace of God go I.’

In examining how we order our reflections on the future, Varden looks at the difference between ‘desire’ and ‘longing.’ The Greek for desire, hedomai, is self-generated and self-referential. It is where we get our word ‘hedonism’ from. Varden describes ‘longing’ (pothos) as a counter-point to this. Longing is where we need to direct our future focuses to. It is a ‘…yearning for a lost or distant thing, a thing known and treasured but now out of reach…I experience pothos by force of something outside of myself.’ (p.147)

‘The noun “longing” is derived from the adjective “long” …where longing is concerned, “I” stands as indirect object, patient of impulses from elsewhere. Whereas I can rightly call desire mine, longing is a gift received…when I long, I hear the Word of God calling out to its image in me.’ (p.146)

Yes the present reality is all we have in any given moment. Yet living it fully is surely living it in relation to what has gone before and what is anticipated for the future. A well integrated soul has made peace with his past and rests in a secure hope for a bright future. Past-present-future all in harmony. We have to decide which way to move along this path of life – life is movement not standing still. Our movement towards God presents us with all kinds of distractions. To not get caught up in these distractions we have to sometimes trust in the ‘power of not right now’ – that a given moment might be leading us on a path to nowhere but despair. Which direction are we pointing in when we have our blissful and serene moments? Destination is important don’t let it get swept away by new age gurus who will tell you that living only for the moment is all that matters – to just enjoy the ride – make it fun – who cares where we are going. We live in an imperfect world but we can head towards a place of perfect harmony. Let us allow our supreme creator and benevolent Father to guide us there.

Thank you Lord for Yesterday, for all its trials and lessons – Keep me pure and humble Today – I hope for your glorious presence Tomorrow. ‘Now,’ that’s what I call living!

At The Monastery

Yes memory beats in the heart of our race,

each ray of it, life upon death’s abyss,

till man, through great hardship,

is himself reduced to remembrance.

That is when the unheard of happens: we, the less,

who dreamt a bridge between then and now,

shall be remembered by one greater,

who keeps us securely in mind.

This I believe: that all remembrance, in this homeland

of our pain, is life-filled seed,

a spark from the great sun of truth

that what has been alive cannot die!

The word – warm, silent, immense – fell thus.

The two of us listened intently together.

From the depths of the monastery garden

arose a chorus of singing children’s voices.

So I went home, across the meadow’s solitude,

while the monk pursued his evening stroll

among the amiable dead

at rest behind the cemetery wall.

Olaf Bull (trans. E. Varden)